5 stars for Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring.
Three weeks ago, I was searching for a particular book on the library shelf. The library system showed that the book was available but I just could not find it. Undeterred, I scanned the whole shelf three times, slowly and carefully. How hard could it be, to find a book that was supposed to be where it was? And yet, it was not. Three times I tried, and three times I came across Life with Pop. Not wanting to leave the library empty-handed, I decided there and then that I might as well try the Pop book. Little did I know that, once again, a great book has found its way to me.
Life with Pop is a deeply moving book about being a caregiver to an aging parent and the invaluable lessons gained. It talks about what it means to do the right thing by our parents, to care for them when their mind and body have been greatly diminished by illness and old age, to cope with their needs, demands, mistrust and even anger at times, and to make healthcare and end-of-life decisions. Presented in diary entry style, the writer, a psychologist and daughter of an aging parent shares her personal experience of taking over the role from her mother - after her mother passed away - for being the main caregiver to her eighty-year-old father.
In the book, the author makes mention of some points which while thought-provoking are also chillingly revealing, about our own selves. The day may come and most surely it will, when the child is certain that her parent cannot manage to live alone anymore, and then, what is to be done? The process of deciding where to place our parents, be it independent-living facility or assisted-living facility, forces us the children to see deep within ourselves and discover who we are. It is no comfortable experience because no matter the decision, we confront not only our father or our mother, we confront ourselves, our deepest values. And in a world where each of us craves for our own personal space and believes our quality of life matters, how does one be there for an aging parent without being consumed by the parent? How does one show love for the parent in caregiving without abandoning oneself? How does one do away with the crippling sense of guilt and self-blame for putting a parent in a home?
The bottom line is that caring for an aging parent is no simple task. It is physically exhausting for the child as much as it is an emotional and mental turmoil. To quote "You invest time and patience only to see them regress and become more helpless and disabled. Your release is paid for with their lives. There is no next chapter." And then, there is the constant struggle to balance between freedom and duty, and loss and guilt. To quote "If Dad dies in the next five years, I don't know how I'll stand it. If he lives for another five years, I don't know how I'll stand it." It is an experience where no one who has not gone through what the other is going through can ever begin to understand.
All in all, this book makes an excellent guide for people who feel overwhelmed by the needs of an elderly parent. It may help to inspire and give the caregiver the much needed spiritual support. Also, the book serves to prepare readers for their own old age and help them become the type of person who will bring out the best in those who care for them.
Finally, I will like to say this book drives home the very fact that "人的一生，就是生老病死的过程". Translated, it means "Life is a cycle of birth, aging, illness and death". There is no escape. Also, being alive and living are not the same. Because the quality of life matters. Ultimately, human kindness, compassion, and listening without passing judgement may help alleviate the pain of suffering from the loss of health and the loss of freedom of movement that comes with old age.
Publisher: Avery; Reprint edition
Publication date: 4 May 2010
*** Favourite Quote 1 ***
Some people use language as a weapon to put others down or build themselves up. Dad uses it like a feather, tickling them with humour, making them laugh and relax. I'm learning how important this asset is when you're old and alone. It's then that your achievements no longer give you a leg up in the world, and who you're related to matters less than how you relate. At Dad's age, it's not your money, it's your ability to get along, your social grace, that makes you rich.
*** Favourite Quote 2 ***
The power to make health-care decisions for another human being is daunting, more than we deserve, more than we want, more than we signed up for.
*** Favourite Quote 3 ***
... Your mother is ninety-two. By now, she is who she is. Your emotional health hinges on your ability to stop insisting that she change, and work on changing the way you think about her.
*** Favourite Quote 4 ***
However difficult it is for you to care for an ungrateful mother, it's harder for her to admit her dependence on you. The more she needs you, the more she may resent you. There's an old Yiddish proverb: when parents feed their children, they both laugh; when children feed their parents, they both cry.
*** Favourite Quote 5 ***
In the end, your mother may not deserve your love. You choose to care for her not because of who she is, but because of who you are. Because you couldn't live with yourself otherwise. And so you trudge on and indulge her, never giving up the hope that someday, before she dies, she'll notice, and say thank you.
*** Favourite Quote 6 ***
Research shows that as people age they tend to forgive more easily. How do they do it? Is it that, nearing the end of their lives, they opt to pack lighter, refusing to take their bitterness or sorrow with them to the grave?
...However they accomplish it, they decide to move beyond their grievances and try to enjoy what's left of the journey.
*** Favourite Quote 7 ***
Is there a more precious gift a parent can give a child than words of praise?
Is there a more precious gift a child can give a parent than words of gratitude?
*** Favourite Quote 8 ***
Life has come full circle, it seems. The child has become the parent; the parent, the child. But the analogy is misleading. As a parent, you invest in your children's future. If they're healthy, you can expect them to grow and thrive. Your freedom comes with their independence. It's a life-affirming transformation for both of you.
Caring for an elderly father or mother is another story. You invest time and patience only to see them regress and become more helpless and disabled. Your release is paid for with their lives. There is no next chapter.
*** Favourite Quote 9 ***
Sometimes things turn out the way we want. Sometimes they don't. We decide how miserable we want to be.
~ Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent
Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring
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After her mother died, Janis Abrahms Spring "inherited" her father-Pop- and set off on an all-consuming five-year mission to make his days as rich and comfortable as possible. This is their story, overflowing with humor, insight, and love. In beautifully crafted vignettes, spring brings their deepening relationship to life-both the joy and the imposition, the happiness and the heartaches.
From her unique perspective as a clinical psychologist, Spring explores the emotional and practical complexities of parenting a parent. Inspiring, deeply moving, and frank, Life with Pop is an ultimately comforting meditation on a universal experience, as well as a book with profound lessons on how to grow old gracefully.
*Blurb from Goodreads*
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